Trust Issues

Dearest _____________, 

I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you as much as I’d like to be. I know that you haven’t been going through the best of times and have been facing some troubles of your own so I thought I’d write you a letter. I’ve spoken to you once before but I’d like to remind you that you can tell me ANYTHING you want and I promise I will not jump to conclusions and judge like I did before. Know that you can TRUST me because I don’t want you to put your trust into other people and watch them turn your back on you; stab you in the back. I’m sorry you had to learn about trust the hard way. I’m sorry you to that you’ve lost your trust in people you thought cared about you. I guess we have to learn it that way some sometimes. Some people out there don’t care they’re just sooo damn curious and it makes me sick in the stomach. At least you know who you can and can’t trust anymore. Please just be weary. I’ll always be here for you through thick and thin, you mean a lot to me and I hate seeing you get upset. Remember that you can trust me with anything at all and you can talk to me about even the littlest things, don’t ever feel like you’re a burden to me.

Yours sincerely,
xox 

Dearest J.P

I’m genuinely happy to see that you’re happy. I can truly see it on your face. You deserve great things in life and I hope she’s treating you better than I ever did with you.. At first, I didn’t want to see you, at all. But now, I’m glad I did despite the fact we didn’t talk. I don’t want to be a part of your life.. Not even as friends, because I don’t want to bring back any sad, awful memories. And because I just can’t do it. There’s no need, no want to be anything more than acquaintances. I’m happy being strangers with you and I honestly, wish nothing but the best for you. Keep smiling. yours sincerely, Carina.

Day 5: A letter to Future Me

Dear 25 year old me, (year 2018)

How are you? I hope you are well, happy and healthy. If you’re still alive I guess 2012 didn’t actually really happen. I hope that you aren’t stressing so much and by now, settled down in life and have just about all the things you’ve dreamt of. By now, I imagine you’ll have have a stable job that you don’t mind waking up to everyday, I hope it is rewarding and you’d have a decent salary, right Boss. ;) Have you bought the amazing house you’ve been envisaging your whole life? A big modern, spacious home thats been interior decorated by you? Does it have a big kitchen for you to cook in, a wardrobe to die for and stunning bedrooms? I thought so. Oh and have you found the man of your dreams? 25 years old now, you should have a nice ring on that finger haha!

How’s Dominic? He’d be 22 years old by now, has he found a beautiful, sweet girlfriend? Is he in university or found a good job?And Natalie She’s 18! Oh my gosh she’s the same age I am right now writing this letter! Is she beautiful and in Uni?! She better not have a boyfriend until she’s finished uni! Ahha Just kidding! How’s Monica have you been visiting her every weekend? Or Fortnight? She’d be 27 if she were still here. I bet you still miss her and think of her everyday. How’s Mom and Dad? Have you been looking after them and taking care of them? Do you have kids?! They better be cute and not so annoying!!

If you haven’t reached all your goals and chased all your dreams yet, I want to let you know that it’s okay, you have plenty of time. It’s never too late to be who you might’ve been. Life isn’t easy and obstacles will always be placed in front of you, only to let you realise that what you want is worth fighting for. You can’t always get everything you want, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up. I believe in you – yes I believe in myself and you should never have to think twice. I sincerely hope you are content with life and really are, successful; however you define the word “successful”.

Keep smiling, staying strong and don’t lose faith.

Much love,

The past, young you, 18-year old Carina Nguyen, 2011.

Day 4: A letter to my Parents

To my Parents,

Firstly, Thank-you for putting up with me.

Sorry for not being the perfect ideal daughter you’ve always wanted deep down inside your heart. I know myself that I am not always a good daughter and I’ve done and made so many mistakes in my life. I know I can be moody, sad, angry, whiny, annoying, loud and bossy but you still love me regardless. The love you have for me and all your children is unconditional - you’ve provided us all the necessities we need to have a happy, healthy life and I couldn’t appreciate that enough from you both. 

Dear Mom, 

We are so alike and I can admit that. We have the same laugh, I look like you (especially when you were younger) and we also have a similar personality. I guess that is why we disagree so much haha! You’ve always wanted a daughter that would also be your bestfriend and I kind of fail at being both at the same time. However, I love the fact that I can confide in you and I can talk to you about a lot of things. I think many mothers and daughters don’t have what we have; a bond where we can talk about nearly everything. I’m sorry for pushing you away at times, I guess a part of me wants to really become independent. But I just want to say thanks for being my mom, for being strong, for teaching me, for loving me for who I am and for all that you’ve done for me.

Dear Daddy, 

I’m sorry I didn’t get an OP1 or do science or medicine; but thanks for allowing me to do whatever I wish anyway and for being lenient :) You know, probably all my life I’ve been trying to make you proud of me. I want to say thank-you for working so incredibly hard for the family in every aspect possible. I know we barely talk, like mom and I do and I’m used to that, it’s okay, but i kind of wish we did more. I guess you find talking about some things awkward haha! I want you you to know that I love you so so much. It kills me to see you cry, upset or angry and I’m sorry for not always being good and messing up. I admire your strength and your heart of gold. You mean so much to me.

One day I’ll be successful and rich (haha) With the money I’ll have i’ll buy you all the things you’ve ever wanted. If money could help you both reach your dreams (going overseas etc.) then that’s what I’ll do.  I know money doesn’t always bring happiness, but I know that it’ll help a lot or in someway. :) I’ll show you both that I can make my dreams come true :D

Love you x infinity 

Day 3

Say you’re sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to. As I paced back and forth all this time cause I honestly believed in you. Holding on, the days dragged on stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known…

As I begin to write this letter, I sit here staring at the screen trying to find the right words and things to say. We broke up about four months ago and since then I have been trying to repress my memory and any other feelings. I’ll start off by saying that I do not hate you… This is the first time I’ve ever written about you or even to you since we broke up. I try to avoid writing or thinking about you at all. In my head I have so many unanswered questions. But I think I’m going to take this letter as an opportunity to open up and say all the things I’ve meaning to say. Firstly, I just want to say that my feelings for you were real. Everything I said to you- I meant. Every word, action, embrace… I meant it all. When I told you I thought you were the one; I meant that too. But now I’m left feeling foolish. Like a complete and utter idiot because you’re not the one – you left.  I ignored the advice people gave me when they said be careful - how could I be so stupid. I thought that what we had was something special, that we would last for long time guess I was just too caught up and didn’t realise that it wasn’t a mutual thought.  

We ended as quick as we got together. Long story short, you told me that you were stressed out and it was so much simpler when you were single. You had to juggle with study/tafe, work and looking after your two little sisters since your mom was going away for work. You just simply didn’t have ‘time’ for me anymore and you could tell it was hurting me- so you thought you’d do me a favour and broke it off. I didn’t want us to end and I offered to help in any way; with looking after your sisters etc but you didn’t think it would work. Besides, you told me you didn’t feel the same way anymore and that’s what broke my heart. I watched you cry as you you told me you were sorry, you were worried about what my family would say or do. You promised my dad you would never leave me- never make a promise that you can’t keep. I never believed it wholeheartedly in any way. Were your apologies sincere? You told me that you still wanted to be friends, hangout and talk because i’m “the sort of person you can talk about anything to and be yourself, without being judged.”

I made sure that I didn’t cry in-front of you because I didn’t want to seem weak, I held in my tears for as long as I could because you were tearing me up alive. The minute I stepped out of your car I walked away, trying to hold myself together. But no matter how hard I tried to hold them in, I cried and the tears wouldn’t stop. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to get my head together. I called my best friend’s Judy and Marcela and broke down whilst on the phone.

It sucks when you allow yourself to make somebody you’re everything cos once they’re gone you’re fucked; and thats what happened to me. The hardest part was acting like I was okay and like although you never hurt me, and til this very day I’ll continue to do that. To anyone who has ever hurt me, I’ll act they didn’t phase me and that’s just who I am. I like to prove I’m strong - but in reality I’m not and it’s just a mask I wear.

I cried myself to sleep for a week, woke up every morning feeling terrible and I hated it. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and act like my world is falling apart because truth is, it wasn’t. Since we broke up I started uni, made new friends, received another scholarship, started going out more, started a new job - I promised myself that I’d keep myself busy. 

I haven’t spoken to you since we broke up… Crazy to believe that once we both knew each other so well, were so in love and have a lot of memories together and now we’re complete strangers. A part of me says that if you wanted to be friends and talk then you should take the initiative and talk to me cos truth is I would talk back.

But overall, after everything that has happened between us… I can manage to say that: I miss you and wish things were different. I don’t regret being with you. You were afterall the boy i had the biggest crush on growing up. I think we’d be good friends if we never dated. But being friends right now seems out of the question because of our past. You never know. Time heals everything and I think one day, we can work on being friends. We’ll see. 

Day 1: A Letter to My Future Husband

Dearest Future Husband, who ever you may be,

I wonder how long it will be until I meet you, how long it will be until I fall in love you, how many other guys I will date before I realise that you’re the ‘one’; the real deal. I wonder where you could possibly be on this earth right now that we share… You may not know it, yet, but nearly my whole life I’ve been thinking of you. Thinking about the ‘dream guy’ I’m going to fall hopelessly in love with and share that special day with. Call me foolish, cliche or naive for having my head in the clouds or dreaming, but I certainly think there is nothing wrong with hoping for a ‘happily ever after’. Promises are easy to make but they hard to keep. And i know that for myself. But in a few years from now, maybe 5, or 10 years I will be making the biggest, most sacred promise of my life.

I will be promising to love you through all the good times and through all the bad. When life seems easy and when it seems hard. When our love is simple and when it is an effort. I will be by your side in times of joy and in sorrow. I promise to cherish you, nurture you and be faithful to you. Because of you, I laugh and  smile and dare to dream again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and as we build our lives together.

But until then, I hope I will be meeting you in the not so distant future so I can spend more time with you, to make more memories and to prove that a girl can dare to dream and witness them come true :)

Yours Always, Carina - Your future wife <3

five letters Challenge.

Day one: Dear Future husband/wife

Day two: Dear Crush

Day three: Dear ex boyfriend/girlfriend.

Day four: Dear Parents.

Day five: Dear future me.

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dearest You, 

Why is there always something to be upset or unhappy about? You stare so blankly back at me with tears welled up in your eyes. Your head tilts to the side as you wish you were more prettier, didn’t have scars, wish you were taller… I can understand, you’re only human and we’re never really satisfied with what we’ve got. Truth is, you need to be happy with who you are because if you aren’t, who will be? You were made the way you are for a reason and there is no one in the world else quite like you. So, stop complaining, crying, wishing and hoping to change the slightest things about you because the minute you change, you aren’t really yourself anymore. Never take for granted being healthy, being happy or just being a alive. 

In front of everybody you seem so strong and hold yourself up so well, so composed. But when the doors close and the lights are off, you cry yourself to sleep as you speak a prayer, in hope that someone is listening. “You’re strong” you’ve heard that a million times but you think to yourself, ‘what makes me so strong when I cry at night?’. But seriously, you’re still here, and you’re still holding on and you held on when everyone would understand if you crumbled; so maybe you are, strong.

-Breathe- You’re doing well. The New Year has arrived and new doors have opened. Take the opportunity to move from the past and accelerate forward. University commences in about a month and I’m sure you’ll do fine. Stop freaking out so much.

to my reflection: Smile more often - laugh a little louder - embrace each day - and love like there’s tomorrow 

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

To be honest, I’m lucky that there is no one I would be afraid to tell everything too. The people who are closest to me are the ones I open up to. They don’t mind what I have to say and they don’t judge. If I’ve done something wrong or they think isn’t such a good idea, they’d be honest and tell me straight up - and I’m thankful for that. 

I don’t open myself up just to anyone and it takes a whole lot of trust to be able to spill my guts. But some of these people are: Marcela, Anthony, Judy, Sarl, Leeyah, Keicha and Jayde.

This wasn’t really a letter but oh well :)

lots of Love xx

Day 28 - To someone who changed your life

Although we may have not been together for too long, I feel like I’ve known you my whole lifetime. In a span of only 2 months, we have shared so many valuable memories that I know I will treasure for many years to come. You have changed me and my life for the better, in ways I cannot specifically or accurately explain; but I can only attempt to do so. First of all, I want to let you know that you kind of saved me. It was only a few months ago that my world was turned upside-down when Monica, my big sister, passed away. The days were hard to get by, I occasionally cried myself to sleep and with great strength, I always tried to hold myself together, but in great honesty, I was not genuinely happy, until I met you. 

I can talk to you about anything and everything without feeling ashamed, embarrassed or nervous. You don’t judge me and you accepted me wholeheartedly the minute you met me. You took the good and bad of me and embraced who I was as a person and
I couldn’t thank you enough. Besides distracting me from sorrow, sadness and grief, you taught me to be positive and made me smile and laugh effortlessly. And, you still continue to do so. When I need to cry, you always hold me tight or wipe my tears away and say all the right things to make me feel that much better. You just treat me right. I have never loved someone so greatly before, and I have never been more certain in my life about a person. Every girl likes to think that the person or current boy they’re with are ‘the one’ for them ; but something tells me I’m onto something so great and that you’re the one for me. They say “always trust your gut instinct”, and I am. 

 But no matter what happens, I just want you to know that I’m grateful and appreciative of everything you have done for me so far and for many things yet to come in the future. Thank-you for making me happy and for turning my world around when I needed it most. Thank-you for loving me for me, I will always love you for you and I wouldn’t change a thing. But above all, Thank-you for changing my life.

I love you inside and out, to the moon and back and with all my heart and soul <3

Love from Carina 

The ongoing letter Challenge:

Letters i have YET and are overdue to write:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend 
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — Someone you made cry
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day

it has taken me more than 30 days to complete this letter challenge. Its been about 2 months or so :/ oh well. hahaha at least I’m getting them done right?!

To The friendliest person I knew for only one day, Mr Bus Man

On an afternoon that seemed to not want to go my way, everything seemed like it just couldn’t get any worse. I was running late and it was past my curfew, and the train was delayed. Riding off from dawn to dusk alone, I arrived on the bus station to discover that I had just missed the last bus to take me home. I saw the bus had just left by a few seconds or so and my heart sunk into a puddle of mud and misery. JUST MY LUCK I thought to myself. Until suddenly the bus driver saw me in the mirrors reflection and proceeded to go around the roundabout and began to head in my direction! This kind man who went out of his way and out of his tight schedule had literally saved my day! “I thought you needed to catch this bus” he said with a warm smile.

“Thank-you so much!” I said with great politeness and thought to myself that; hey, there are actually nice people and strangers in the world. This has got to be the friendliest person I knew for only one day.

Thought I’d write a letter on tumblr about it. :)

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Dearest Tamaraa Mollard,

You may not be the LAST person I made pinky promise to/with, but yours is one I certainly remember so clearly and wont ever forget; mainly because I broke it. We made a promise that we’d go and get our belly’s pierced together; esp in the September holidays. The idea of you getting a piercing with your parents approval seemed so bleak and almost out of the question! Buttttt I really wanted to get it done with you. IF you ever DO get it done, tell me right away because I want to be there! Sorrrrryyy i got mine done without you :(

I felt so bad. Just had to tell you.. and now I’m writing a letter to you.

><

love you heaps babesssss!!!

x Carina