A life worth writing about

IMAGINE if you were able to write the story to your own life. Suppose you had the power to decide your own destiny and could determine what happens to yourself, the main character, what would you possibly write? You could be anything or anyone you’ve always wanted. You could situate yourself any where in the world. You could be with your one true love and you could have the endings you’ve always dreamt about.

I wish I were the author to my own life, I wish I held the pen used to transcribe thoughts onto paper and wrote out a story that would be perfect from start to finish. I would be able to rewrite my history and write out my future and the kind of endings I have ever wanted; then live them as they unfold before me. I wish I could decide on how my life was to play out from beginning to end; I would choose the characters I want involved, decide what kind of obstacles and conflicts I should face, choose where the scenes should take place and ultimately, control everything that happens in the story.  

My characters would have their own personality, their own perks and flaws. They would all have some sort of relationship with the main character and their own significant roles as family members, friends and or lovers. As with every character in every single book that was ever written, these characters would all have their own motives; their own reason for why they are, the way they are and how they came to be that way. I could choose who I love and what our relationship would be like. He would be everything I’ve ever dreamt about in a guy, funny, witty, smart, romantic, hardworking, handsome and endearing. And we would have a kind of love that prevails through the toughest of times.

I know every story needs conflict, some sort of event or situation to make the story compelling and worth reading. It will need a peak or something that will evoke the reader’s emotions; a dilemma the main character experiences that will keep the reader on the edge of their seats, wanting to know what happens next. Perhaps a tragedy to overcome, heartbreak, loss, rejection or maybe a “bad guy” gets involved. I would be able to decide the gravity of the situation and how it affects me and the people involved.

I could be any where in the world, describe the settings where I want certain events to take place. Maybe in a big city filled with tall buildings, hotels and bright lights, or in a small suburban town where I could see the stars every night when I look up at the midnight sky. There would be no limits and I could go anywhere my imagination takes me.

But of course, there is no such thing. No one is the author to his or her own life.

If we all had the power to write out our own story from beginning to end, life would be a stroll in the park.

However, if you really think about it, we are co-authors to our own life.

Although we do no have the upper hand and ultimate power to determine every single detail of our own lives, we still do have control to a large extent. We can shape our own destiny. We can decide how to face a certain problem or conflict we’re facing. We can choose how to live our lives.

We can’t always choose who comes into our life but we do have a choice with who we want to keep.
We can’t always choose who we fall in love with but we can choose how we should be treated and what we truly deserve.
We can’t always choose where we’re from but we can choose where we belong.

We can’t choose the problems in our life but we can choose how to solve them.

We didn’t choose how we look when we were born but we have a choice to accept the way we are and we can shape ourselves to however we wish.

We are the main characters in our own life and we are also the co-authors too.
We have the power to choose to be whoever we want to be.

You can be a hero, a saviour, the damsel in the distress, knight in shining amour, villain, millionaire or inspirational figure. You can choose who you want to be with the right mindset, goals and persistence to chase your dreams (as cliché as that sounds). Alone, you can choose to be person who gives up or the one who fought triumphantly when faced with obstacles and conflict.

We are in control of our own life and although we don’t always have full control, we do have a choice on how our own story can be written. When one chapter of our life ends, another always begins. Since we cannot write how our life turns out to be, the least we can do is think: ‘if my life were to be written into a book, would I read it?’

We have choice to live a life worth writing about.

HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN:

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you, find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. 

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 

You cannot change a man’s behaviour. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. 

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending… Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary… not supplementary. 

Dating is fun… Even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes… When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says… You should know that: You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one. They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts… ❤

Darling, please be patient with me, I know I can be irrational, stubborn, difficult and temperamental. I know I don’t make things easy and I know I tend to over-think. I can be happy one day and sad the next; crying over the littlest things. But please know I don’t intentionally plan to do these things. I don’t want to be an encumbrance to you. I want to be the reason you look forward to tomorrow, the person you know you can trust to turn a bad day around, the first thought when you wake up in the morning and the last before you close those beautiful eyes and go to sleep. I hope you never forget the reasons why you chose to be with me and I hope you still love me tomorrow just as much as you do today and yesterday; hopefully more as each day passes by. I want you to fight for me, for us and I promise you, I will do the same.  

My Best Friend

“It has been 15 years since I’ve been cleared from cancer. Thank you lord!”

These are the very words from my best friend Marcela Munoz. Fifteen years ago she was diagnosed with cancer at the innocent age of only three years old. At the age of three years old, most children would be learning to make friends and become familiar with people, they would begin to draw circles, and know how to cut paper into two pieces, learn to construct sentences and become familiar with daily routines and will try to figure out the routines of others. At the age of three years old, Marcela’s routine consisted of trips to the doctors and to the hospital. During the year long battle she faced against Cancer, Marcela experienced hair loss from chemotherapy, undertaken many doses of different medicine and had surgery which caused her to lose her left kidney. Marcela was lucky to have won triumphantly against the malignancy and has grown into a beautiful woman however her story against sickness still lingers on this present day.

Despite the experiences she faced as a young girl, Marcela is one of the strongest and most optimistic girls I have ever met in my life. She is selfless, kindhearted, down-to-earth and is one of the most easiest people to make friends with. I have never met a person who didn’t like her when they first meet her. Unfortunately, she is still unwell however with a different kind of sickness called Crohn’s disease. This disease It is an autoimmune disorder; a condition that occurs when your body’s immune system mistakenly attacks and destroys healthy body tissue. Albeit her current ailment, she does not complain, burden or publicise the fact she is ill and does not try to gain attention.

As her best friend, I am more than willing to support her in any way possible. Being the beautiful person she is, she refused to trouble me with her illness and concealed facts from me because she didn’t want to burden or upset me because of the experiences I have faced with my big sister who was also sick. She told me, ‘it’s enough knowing your big sister passed away from cancer and I don’t want you to have to deal with your best friend being sick too, it’s too much for you’. Although it is hard knowing that my bestfriend is sick, I rather be there to support her and know what’s going on than become oblivious to what is happening in her life. She is a trooper and is truly an inspiration and deserves to live happily. God blessed me and Marcela’s family with having her survived from Cancer as an infant. I don’t what I’d do without her, we’ve been friends for so long and I can’t imagine being without her as corny as that may sound. I know she’s a fighter and she’ll never have to go through it alone because I’ll always be there to remind her how far she’s already come. 

The lonely years

As a teenager, I constantly found myself occupying my own company. Too often i would be sitting in the corner of a cafe digesting patisserie with a novel in my hand that I had been meaning to read for some time. During those times, I felt alone, because I was. It saddened me to see the busy streets, couples holding hands and people give each other long overdue embraces. I was always wishing there was someone I’d been missing for so long to be sitting in front of me, telling me all the things I’ve missed in their life. A lover, a friend, a family member.

Years have passed on by, when look into the mirror i see the effects of ageing, a dissipated youth. I’m now thirty two years old. In the blink of an eye I’ve almost doubled my age. I have a full time job, I’m married and have two children of my own. I am constantly on my feet, I have errands to run, people to meet and projects to present. I seldom have time for myself anymore, seldom have time to sit down in a cafe and read a novel of my own choice. Time after time I would shut my eyes tight and wish, wish with all my might for a break, for some alone time, to relax and rewind. Then it hit me; I took those “lonely” teenage years for granted; the days I spent wandering the streets alone, sitting in the corner of a cafe alone, going for walks and sitting under the sun soaking up all it’s goodness alone —

Abruptly, I wake up to the sound of something drop to the floor. I look down to see a novel. As i lean down to pick it up, I notice my hands have less wrinkles, I have sandals on my feet and I’m sitting at a table! I’m at a bloody cafe and I fell asleep whilst reading. I’m a teenager again. I’m in my “lonely” years again, but that’s okay. Because I need this. I’m an individual once more, I have time and lots of it, I don’t need to worry about anything.

If I could leave myself with a message from my future self, it would be: Life passes by in a blink of an eye. Make the most of what you’ve got today because tomorrow could be taken away from you. Live life with no regrets so when you look back at your past and reminisce, you will smile and say “I made the most of it”. Live now and not for tomorrow.

A new chapter

Suicide

It breaks my heart to know that right now, people are contemplating, attempting and/or have just kill themselves; no matter who they are or whether I’ve met them or not; I feel like I’m internally grieving for them in this moment. It’s just sad to think that in this moment, someone feels like they can longer continue on with their lives, like they’re not good enough, feel like they’re not wanted, needed, loved and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel; whatever reason it may be, I wish, pray and hope that they’re given a second chance.

 I once read that suicide is the most selfish thing a human being could ever do. Because once they’ve killed themselves, they’ve affected their families, their friends, colleagues and the people who surround them unknowingly; creating a ripple-like effect. I personally agree with this because it’s true. In many cases loved ones have been hurt and have mourned over the death of a person without being able to say goodbye and sometimes do not even know the reason as to why they made that choice. I have witnessed the gravity of suicide, impacting people to the point where several years later, they’re still mourning, trying to grip the fact that they’ve lost someone they loved so dearly.

I read it on facebook, on tumblr- people openly saying and wishing they were dead (in all seriousness) and it’s something I can’t just read and shrug off. If you know that someone wants to kill themselves talk to them, rationally and in a civilized manner and let them know that ‘hey, everything will be better in a long run’; let them also know that they mean something, that they have someone to talk to and have the potential to be someone. And if you feel like killing yourself, know that yes times are bad, but they can’t be bad forever. I live by the quote:

“No matter what you do, somebody hates you. No matter how much you try, you can fail. No matter how much you love a person, they can leave you. No matter how hard we hold on, they let go. No matter what happens, it’ll all eventually become okay.”

And that’s the truth. Chin up, the world is ugly but if you give it a chance it can be beautiful too. There are people who are bedridden and sick and would do anything to live, to be guaranteed a few more years to live… to be alive and well. Think of that too. I’ll never know if I saved a life or not, or if I shaped anyone’s ideas, but I hope that you remember this the next time you feel like it’s over or if you know anyone who feels like they can no longer face another day. 

Sincerely, Carina.

Acceptance of Change

In the past few weeks I’ve been completely bewildered by the thought of my future and the possibilities of my career as a journalist. Recently, there has been a lot of news and coverage going on about the newspaper industry failing to make a profit and job losses have plummeted greatly. Not just in Australia, but world wide. Many have regarded and view the future of Journalism, in particular print media, as bleak and grave; with no signs of hope. For me, and many other aspiring journalists out there, we’re feeling a little grim.. Currently, I’m in my second year of studying a dual degree in Business and Journalism at University and I’m already seeing a reoccurrence of the same essay topics. “How Print Media is changing”, “Everybody knows Journalism is Dying” etc.. Writing these essays have driven be borderline insane and have made me think greatly about my chances of being a successful Journalist. Nonetheless, I remind myself the glass is half full and that “Journalism” itself can never be replaced. Ever. Because truth is, everybody needs a way to find and obtain information- in some sort of format- and albeit the fact that newspaper readership and sales have declined; it’s clearly evident that many are retaining their sources of information from somewhere else, through something else: The Internet- and the many modes of access like smartphones and iPads, tablets - you name it. It’s not just journalism that is changing in the hands of the almighty Internet but many other industries, including retail as millions opt for the convenience of online shopping. Accept change and embrace it- we’re in a new era, a modern one and we’re all trying (still) to adjust to it and work with it. 

Write about what you know

I want to travel
and see the world
I want to explore
and try new food
I want to explore rain-forests 
and see a waterfall
I want to see the five wonders of the world
and learn about different cultures
and learn new languages.
I want to experience new things 
and get of my comfort zone
I want to see poverty
and help the homeless
I want to go to hospitals
and see the sick and impoverished 
I want to go to an orphanage
and give children toys and clothes
I want to see the wealthy
to witness fame and success
I want to see how much they’re taking for granted. 

I want to have my eyes opened;
to all the things I’m missing.
I want to hear stories
that will change my life forever
Because I know, that when I do,
My heart will be wrenched
I will feel things I’ve never felt before
I’ll cry, smile, laugh, frown.
my heart will break at the some of the sights I see.
It will be the only time I’ll let my heart be openly broken.
I know it won’t be like what I see in documentaries
It could be better, it could be so much worse.
I will be appreciative of all the things I have.
I’ll bring my journal, notepad, pens and a camera with me.
I’ll be inspired to write about everything I’ve seen, smelt, tasted, touched and heard.
But until then, I’ll write about what I already know.

WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?!

So I’m up at 3am and writing up this “little” article, I have so much energy right now and I’m wide-awake as an owl, this is probably because of the mocha I had last night, which had a shot of espresso. Usually at this time I’d be sound asleep, curled up, warm in bed but no – I felt the need to do something productive. Just before deciding to write this, I spent about two and a half hours trying to re-write an essay, which is due this Friday. It was probably the fifth time I’ve decided to re-write and reconstruct my essay. Not to mention, I have another 2 essays due on the same date. Urgh. But enough essay talk, it’s about to drive me insane to the point where I have dreams (or should I say nightmares) about writing it… waking up to actually find I did not work on it at all whilst asleep; if that made any sense at all.

Anyway, back to what I intended to write on… I’m finding that ever since being in university, it’s become extremely difficult to catch up with friends. I know I’m not the only one who’s facing this either. Remember back in high school when you had a particular group of friends you would sit with at lunch? Yeah them, do you still hang out with them?  All of them? Altogether? – If you said no, then we’re on the same page – if you said yes, then good for you! That’s quite rare – (if you’re still in high school, you’re about to learn something you can’t really change but have to accept..)

As everyone graduates from high school, we gradually follow our own paths to our own future. Some decide to take a year off and travel, some decide to continue studying, whether it’s at tafe or university. Some decide to work full time, part-time or do an apprenticeship of some sort and some decide to simply stay home and accept the fact they’re bums and will most likely rake in the doll when they’re older (okay that’s a little harsh). But in saying that, no matter what we choose to do, many of us are on different paths… unless you’re lucky and have friends doing the exact same thing as you and will have a very similar lifestyle. Everyone all of sudden has different timetables, schedules and doesn’t have time to do this or that, or catch up or hang out. When this person is free the other isn’t etc.

Unfortunately, in some cases, friends’ drift apart and sadly becomes ‘acquaintances’ in the future.  They become someone you once knew.  We eventually make new friends overtime and if lucky enough, we get to keep some of our old friends, or whoever is still around. We’re all starting to find our own footing and… potential lovers/partners, which also add to the reason why so many of us are all of a sudden under the radar.

But wait up; this article isn’t that all pessimistic… although we should accept the fact we’re not going to have ten friends we’ll be catching up with on a daily/weekly basis for the rest of our lives, we’ll soon learn to realise who our real friends are and who deserves a spot in our future, as cliché as that sounds. We eventually learn that it takes effort to keep a friendship going, it takes two to tango. If it were a one-way road kind of friendship (where only one person puts in all the effort to keep the friendship intact) I can almost guarantee that friendship will fail in a matter of months. So in saying that, think of who really matters to you and make the most of every moment you have with your mates.  Being “friends forever” is more easily said than done. “Forever” can also have an expiry date when it comes to friendship (and sometimes relationships!). “Forever” is just a word until you prove it with actions. Being “best friends” and “friends” generally requires effort and that label requires being loyal, trustworthy, being there for one another.. through thick and thin (at least for me it does).

It’s thought provoking huh. Well that’s all I have to say for now, and yes, these kinds of thoughts run through my head when

1. I’ve had caffeine and stay up late

2. When I’m worn out from re-writing my essay

And finally

3. When I can’t seem to find time for my friends and vice versa. 

Sincerely, Carina. xx 

Maybe one day

Walking along the yellow line, she paced slowly with her feet dragging along the ground, like chains wrapped around her legs; she never felt heavier in her life. She couldn’t bring herself to think clearly.. maybe she really did lose her mind after all. Maybe they were right, maybe she didn’t belong here. No one really seemed to need her around anyway. She was always the odd one out, the one standing in the dark, never able to do anything right but stuff up.

 Since she was a child, her father would constantly remind her how much of a nuisance she was, how much he despised her existence, throwing everything he could find at her. Throwing his fist at her body, leaving her bruises she painfully had to hide with a jumper when she went to school, even on hot days. He blamed her every single day for fourteen years for his wife’s death, turning to alcohol to repress the pain, taking it out on his only daughter. She looked just like his wife and it killed him.

She always thought about running away but what stopped her was the constant thought that her father would eventually find her and kill her once and for all, even by accident, if he took it too far. She didn’t fit in at school but school was her only refuge where she felt safest. She didn’t have any friends and all the boys and girls gave her a hard time. Saying she was a freak who wears jumpers all the time, who didn’t speak and who was a loner. She didn’t deserve any of this but this was the only life she knew.

Her heart raced as she took a deep breath. Tears streamed down her face as her makeup smudged, mascara running down her face. Everything seemed to slow down, noises of the train station began to drown out. She took steps closer to the edge. Nothing could stop her now and she made her choice. She turned her head to see it coming, it was coming faster than she imagined in her head. She was so scared, her palms were sweating but she planned this day for as long as she could remember. And before she knew it, before the people behind her could pull her, she took a final step; no more weight around her legs as she spread her arms, closed her eyes and mumbled a few words under her breath. “I’m sorry,” she said.  And just like that, a life was taken in a matter of seconds.

All she wanted was to belong, but she could never think of a reason to stay. She always hoped, deep down inside that maybe one day,  when she finally meets her mother that she’ll be accepted and loved for who she is.